


Meet the Hargreeves

by springonions_withranch



Series: Eyes Green or Gray: Can't Remember [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Inspired by Hallmark Christmas Movies, M/M, five is still 13 but 58, holiday/christmas season, the hargreeves are dysfunctional siblings, they've been dating for three or so years by now
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:54:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27465271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/springonions_withranch/pseuds/springonions_withranch
Summary: "Who's this, Ben?" someone speaks."'This' is his boyfriend, Dorito-Man," Klaus sasses, staring right back at the ape-like man."Klaus," Ben hisses under his breath, "no fighting, remember?""Yes, yes," Klaus says flippantly. "No cleaning up dead bodies during the holidays. Anyway, my name's Klaus. It's such a pleasure to finally meet you all! You too, Dorito!"Ben groans. This is going to be a long week.-or-It's a Hargreeves family tradition to visit the mansion for Christmas week, and Ben finally agrees to introduce Klaus to his family. What could go wrong?
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves/Luther Hargreeves (kinda i guess/mentioned), Ben Hargreeves & Everyone, Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves/Klaus Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves & Everyone
Series: Eyes Green or Gray: Can't Remember [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1990729
Comments: 42
Kudos: 158





	1. Texts, Bars, Doritos: a holy trinity

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back!! Some notes for y'all before we begin:
> 
> 1\. This is set 2.5-3 years after "Eyes Green or Gray: Can't Remember." If you haven't read that, I recommend doing so. (I mean, if you don't, I think this fic still might make sense)
> 
> 2\. Luther still lives at the Hargreeves mansion, Diego still works for the boxing/gym place, Allison is still a famous actress, Five is a 58-year-old stuck in a 13-year-old's body, and Vanya is a violinist (still on her pills too). 
> 
> 3\. In this series, Five still time-traveled away when they were thirteen, but instead of going to the Apocalypse, he just went to an alternate timeline where he had a grand old time (met the girl of his dreams, Delores, and became a world-renowned physicist and mathematician). When he was 58 he attempted to time travel again and ended up back in the OG timeline (in his 13-year-old body but still 58). Basically, no Apocalypse but he's still a smart, sarcastic shit.
> 
> I reckon that's about it. Enjoy!!

**_Oh no darling_ **

**_No wind, no rain_ **

**_Or winter's cold can stop me baby, na na baby_ **

**_'Cause you are my goal_ **

**_If you're ever in trouble_ **

**_I'll be there on the double_ **

**_Just send for me, oh baby, ha_ **

**_\-- “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell_ **

  
  
  


Tradition is a funny word. The word and dictionary definition itself, not so funny. The differing definitions behind the word, though, are interesting. For instance, to one person, tradition might mean gathering every year at an ancestor’s grave and paying their respects. Tradition to another might be passing a certain heirloom down from one generation to the next.

To Ben, tradition meant visiting and seeing his whole family for one disaster-filled week at the academy; more specifically, the hectic week before Christmas. The said week always started out civil and relaxed (as seeing the family you grew up with for the first time in a year goes), but by the end of the week, tensions were high and people couldn’t wait to leave. In fact, the only reason they all stayed for a week was because the siblings had all agreed on it before they all left the academy (except for Luther, of course, who couldn’t bear to leave dear old Dad’s side). This meant breaking this tradition was a huge deal, breaking it two years in a row was definitely frowned upon. 

* * *

Ben had been back to the Hargreeves mansion once before for his father’s funeral. As expected, it was a gloomy and rainy day; Ben thought it was the perfect setting for his asshole father’s short service. Few words were said for him in praise, as halfway through Pogo’s eulogy, Diego cut in and said something along the lines of, “He’s a selfish bastard who only cared about saving the world and not even his own children.” Personally, Ben couldn’t have said it better himself, but it wasn’t at all worth it when Luther and Diego started fighting. Ben left the mansion that day without feeling any grief for Reginald; how could he? The man who labeled himself as their father figure had completely failed to show them any love or compassion, or any other things a child needs from a parent growing up. _Good riddance_ , he had thought.

Visiting the mansion once his father was gone was definitely easier for Ben. Sure, he still felt Reginald’s cold presence when he was there, but it was nice to know that he wouldn’t have to deal with him ever again. Sometimes Ben thought he could still hear Reginald when he walked the halls. 

“ _Try harder, Number Six.”_

_”You need to learn to control the beasts, Number Six.”_

_”The reluctance to use your powers showed today on your mission is unacceptable, Number Six.”_

_”THAT IS ENOUGH, NUMBER FOUR!”_

Again, the word tradition has many different meanings to different people. For Ben, tradition is a feeling of anxiousness and impending doom.

* * *

It’s a crisp December evening and Ben is sprawled across Klaus’s couch. More accurately, Klaus’s legs, which happen to be laying across the couch. Ben’s lazily scrolling through Instagram and Klaus is catching up on his knitting. Ben takes a look at the purple lump of yarn on his partner’s lap; Klaus keeps telling him it’s a scarf, but let’s be honest: it looks like a hairball freshly hacked up from a cat’s throat. He absentmindedly swipes through his phone when it goes off with a _ding!_

_1 New Message_ reads the banner at the top of his screen. Ben taps on it and sees who it’s from.

“Huh.” _What could she want?_ Ben wonders. The Horrors feel his uneasiness and stir.

“What?” Klaus asks, not taking his eyes off of his knitting.

“I just got a text from Allison,” Ben replies, reading the message. After reading it, his stomach flips a bit, this time, not from the Horrors.

“Allison? As in your superpowered sister who can tell anyone to do what she wants?”

“Yep,” Ben says, popping the “p” in the word.

“Alright. What does she want with my boyfriend?” Klaus asks.

“Apparently she wants to check in with me cuz I haven't seen them in a couple of years. Some bullshit about wanting to know if I’m bringing anyone to our Christmas gathering if I'm going?” Ben says, paraphrasing the text. 

“Christmas gathering, eh? The certain Christmas gathering you've skipped the last couple of years because you didn’t think I was ready to meet your family?” Klaus questions, putting down his knitting needles and the lump of purple yarn.

“In my defense, babe, they’re very overbearing. And rude. And opinionated. And loud. I didn’t want to scare you off after the first year of us dating!” Ben states.

“Nothing could scare me away from you, Benny. You’re just too cute to be single!” Klaus says back. Ben smiles and makes a show of looking surprised, as if asking, “Who, me?” 

“I dunno, Klaus. You may think you can handle their craziness, but they’re just _different_. I mean, look at me! I spent eighteen years of my life with them and I’m hardly sane! I’m a poet, for god’s sake. Last time I checked, lots of poets were depressed, insane, suicidal, mad, or had a mental disorder! You can’t deny the fact that I’m the slightest bit insane or hysterical!” Ben exclaims.

“Benerino, the only time you’re hysterical is when you’re worked up or ranting about something. And that happens to most people. SO yes, I do think I can handle them. And may I remind you that I spent the first seven years of my life?”

“Seven years which you can’t really remember because Allison rumored you.”

“Alright, fair. _However_ , has there ever been a situation I couldn’t handle?”

“Um, _yes_ , I can.”

“Oh really? Name one, Ben-Ten. I _dare_ you!”

“Our two year. That guy at the club. The club you somehow decided on for our anniversary!” Ben exclaims. 

“What guy?” Klaus replies.

“The dude you jumped on and attacked!”

“Oh. _That_ guy. OK, in my defense, he was hitting on you. And I’m _quite_ possessive, as you probably know!”

“Babe, all he did was say, ‘hey,’ and then you jumped on his back and started whaling on him with a cocktail glass. He had to get _stitches_ , Klausy. _Stitches!_ ”

“‘Hey’ can mean a lot of different things, Ben. It can mean ‘hey,’ or ‘how are you doing,’ or even ‘hey, you’re pretty cute, why don’t we ditch this club and get it on in my dirty-ass shady apartment?’ What kind of boyfriend would I be if I let that happen? Plus, what if you ended up liking him more than me?”

“First of all, I think I’m smart enough to not go home with a guy who probably got his hands on some form of ecstasy. Second of all, I would never leave you for some random guy! You’re much too hot for that-”

“Aw thanks, babe!”

“-And third of all, he couldn’t even get another word in before you jumped the poor dude!”

“ _Well_ , I couldn’t let him! Like I said, what if you liked him better! Attacking him seemed like the only option at the time!”

“That’s a slight overreaction, don’t you think?”

“Okay, _maybe_ ,” Klaus admits. Ben sighs. “That’s only one example of a situation you couldn’t handle. If you reacted that way to me getting hit on, how are you gonna react to me actually getting hit?”

“Excuse me, _what_ ? You get _hit_ when you visit your family?”

“Well, it was one time. Two of my brothers got in a fight and one of them accidentally hit me.”

“Now we _have_ to go so I beat that brother’s ass. Preferably with a cocktail glass!”

“Klaus, that _certain_ brother is the one with super-strength. If you tried to attack him you’d most likely end up as a new wall decoration. Like a mounted stag head with antlers. Except it’ll be your head slammed through a wall and the rest of your body discarded on the ground-”

“ _Okay_ , graphic. Also, isn’t super-strength guy shaped like a Dorito?”

“What- yes, our dad mutated him to take on an ape-like form, but that’s not the point! The point is, I don’t want to severely traumatize you.”

“The description of my fight with Ape-Man was honest-to-god traumatizing!”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine. Anyways, I think you’re just scared.” Ben looks at him, shocked he would suggest such a thing.

“ _Scared? Me? Of my own family?_ That’s _ridiculous_ !” Ben exclaims. Klaus raises his eyebrows and gives him a look that says _Riiiight. That’s not total horseshit._

“Then you should be totally okay with going to this gathering. With me,” Klaus says, crossing his arms. He leans toward Ben and narrows his eyes. “Unless you’re too _scared_ to do it.”

Ben leans forward, meeting Klaus’s emerald gaze and mimicking his pose. “Alright, _babe_ , we’ll go. On two conditions: one, you can’t complain to me after the week’s over that my family is crazy. Two, you have to promise to not start a fight with anyone. I don’t want to deal with a dead body during the holidays. Even _I_ like to enjoy my holiday season.” He holds out a hand to Klaus. Klaus rolls his eyes and accepts his hand, shaking it. 

“Yes, yes, don’t go fighting Dorito-man and no complaining (even though that’s one of my best skills). It’s a deal, Benny!” The handshake seals the deal. _No going back now, I suppose,_ Ben thinks.

* * *

“I suppose it’s too late to back out now, isn’t it, Ben?” Klaus asks as they stand at the bottom of the steps leading up to the Umbrella Academy. Ben gives him a look that says _Really, man?_ before taking Klaus’s hand and leading him up the steps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw, it is not my intention for this story to be hating on any of the siblings (well, maybe Luther just a teeny bit). If you have any comments, questions, suggestions, or concerns, please feel free to drop 'em below!
> 
> Thank y'all for reading! Another chapter should be up in a week or so!
> 
> P.S. This chapter was not beta-read, so please excuse any spelling/grammar errors. Muchas gracias!  
> P.P.S. This fic is slightly inspired by those cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies :)


	2. Extra Awkward: My Interactions With My Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus and Ben spend their first afternoon in the Hargreeves Mansion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to start off by saying I'm very sorry for the late update! I got caught up in "Stuck In Betweenin'" and forgot to update this one.
> 
> Enjoy!!

**_Intoxicate me now_ **

**_With your lovin' now_ **

**_I think I'm ready now_ **

**_\-- “Toxic” by Britney Spears_ **

  
  
  
  


Upon entering the spacious foyer, Ben was greeted by two of his siblings: Number One and Number Three, or rather, Luther and Allison. He supplies a “Hi guys,” but instead of greeting him back, Luther and Allison are staring at Klaus, who had entered the house after Ben. 

"Who's this, Ben?" someone speaks.  _ Luther _ , Ben’s brain supplies.

"'This' is his boyfriend, Dorito-Dude," Klaus sasses, staring right back at the ape-like man. 

"Klaus," Ben hisses under his breath, "no fighting, remember?"

"Yes, yes," Klaus says flippantly. "No cleaning up dead bodies during the holidays. Anyway, my name's Klaus. It's such a pleasure to finally meet you all! You too, Dorito!"

Ben groans.  _ This is going to be a long week _ , he thinks. He looks at Luther, expecting him to look offended and taken aback, but Luther just looks confused. And surprised. 

“You didn’t tell me you were bringing your boyfriend,” Luther says, unsure of how to react to being called a ‘Dorito.’ Allison gives Klaus a once-over and turns to Ben. 

“You never responded to my text,” she mentions with a cool tone, “If you had, I would’ve prepared a guest room for  _ him _ .” Allison gestures to Klaus.

“It’s okay, Allison. Klaus can just stay in my room,” Ben replies. He sees her raise an eyebrow.

“Oh? I take it you guys have been together for quite some time, then,” she remarks, crossing her arms over her chest. Ben grows annoyed and matches her haughty pose. He opens his mouth to speak, but before he can, Klaus cuts him off.

“Oui, we  _ have _ been together for ‘quite some time.’ Three happy years, in fact!” Klaus takes Ben’s hand in his own and gives it a squeeze as if to say “ _ I got it. _ ”

“How interesting,” Ben hears Allison reply. “And how did you two meet?” she asks, skeptically.

“Ah, it’s a funny story, really. You see, Benny here was working at a bookstore when I suddenly walked in and then he dropped his glasses and  _ then _ we had a touching moment when suddenly  _ ‘ta-da!’  _ We finally got our shit together and started dating.”

“Just like that?” Allison questions. 

“Just like that!” Klaus proclaims. “ _ Well _ … there was this one guy-”

“I don’t think we need to go into this right now, guys,” Ben cuts in. He turns to Luther, trusting he’ll give him a straightforward answer without any double-edged statements. “My room is still set up, yeah?” The ape-man nods, still looking confused from the moments before. Ben tips his head in acknowledgment and wordlessly drags Klaus up the stairs. 

* * *

He bursts into his old room and shuts the door behind them, flinging himself onto his twin bed. 

“Had enough? Or are you still wanting more?” Ben asks Klaus, who has taken a seat on his desk.

“Are you kidding? I’m already loving it; your sister, Allison? I bet she could tear me into a million tiny pieces if she wanted to;  _ without _ the rumors. She’s one scary lady, Benny. And Dorito? He seems harmless enough-”

“Just wait till Diego shows up. Luther won’t be so harmless then,” Ben remarks. Klaus shrugs and hops down from the desk. He flops down next to Ben and says, “Just so I know what I’m getting into, why don’t you tell me about your other sibs?”

“You’ve already met Luther and Allison (Numbers One and Three), so that basically leaves Diego, Five, and Vanya. They’re Numbers Two, Five, and Seven-”

“Hold up- your brother’s name is Five? Like the number?”

“-Yeah, but I wouldn’t mention that to him. He’s a little...touchy when any conversation turns toward his personal life. Actually, he’s just ‘touchy’ in general. Kinda like a rabid raccoon, or eighty-five-year-old man. He  _ is _ fifty-eight, after all.”

“Ah. I see. What abilities have they been ‘blessed’ with?”

“Diego has trajectory manipulation and can hold his breath for a hella long time underwater. Five can teleport and time travel and Vanya doesn’t have powers.”

“I find that hard to believe,” Klaus remarks. “Anyway, I’m assuming since you got a job and left the nest the others did too? What do they do? Does Dorito Boy attend bodybuilding competitions and go to the gym 24/7?”

“Actually, no,” Ben says. “Luther never left the house. It’s Diego who works at a gym; I think he’s also training to be a police officer-”

“Wow, how perfect! A former crime-fighting superhero joining the police force to protect the city against the baddies!”

Ben chuckles. “I’m pretty sure he was a sort of vigilante back in the day, too-”

“Oh,  _ please _ tell me he wore a dorky cape and Spandex!”

“Even worse.”

“Pray tell!”

“Leather. Ass-hugging leather with a harness for his knives!” Ben tells Klaus. Klaus laughs and claps his hands together.

“Now  _ that _ I _ have _ to see!” Klaus exclaims. “That’s probably the kinkiest shit I’ve ever heard of!”

“Most definitely. I think he was crushed when the police instructors told him he couldn’t wear the getup anymore.”

“Cool, cool. I think Allison has the coolest job, though. It must be freakin’  _ crazy _ being an ex-superhero  _ and _ a world-famous actress! Do you remember seeing her cheesy rom-com movie last year?”

“I do. I remember you breaking down and sobbing near the end of the movie too-”

“ _ OK _ , in my defense, it was really moving and emotional!”

“Klaus, all that was happening was the main character finding the shoe she had lost at the beginning.”

“Excuse you, Benjamino, the shoe was a limited edition Jimmy Choo! Those cost a lot of money, and if I had lost mine, I would be overjoyed to find them again!”

Ben sighs. “We’re getting off-topic-”

Klaus hops off the bed and starts rummaging through Ben’s old desk. 

“Hey, what’re you doing?” Ben asks. “That’s personal stuff!”

Klaus finds a maroon notebook and snatches it up, leafing through it with vigor. Realizing what it is, Ben vaults off the bed and grabs for the notebook. Klaus giggles and holds it above his head, using his height as an advantage over the shorter man.

“Klaus! Give it back!”

A laugh. “Nope!” Klaus says. “C’mon Ben, I know you can reach it!”

“Cocky- ugh- dumb- dip- shi-” Ben grunts, hopping up and down, trying to reach the notebook.

“Hmmm...how about you tell me what it’s about, and  _ then _ I give it back?” Klaus proposes cheekily, waving the maroon book above his head.

“No, just give it!” Ben exclaims. Klus grins and shakes his head.

“No can do, Benny! You’re gonna get tired soon: just tell me!  _ Ooh _ , I bet it’s all of your dirty little secrets and desires-”

Ben grabs the front of Klaus’s shirt and yanks it down, bringing the notebook closer. 

“Hey- that’s cheating!” Klaus yells. “You-”

Ben snatches the notebook and pushes his lips on Klaus’s, shutting him up. 

The door slams open.

“Can someone tell me what the hell is going on here?” a shocked Five inquires. Ben immediately releases both Klaus’s shirt and mouth and turns to Five, an embarrassed smile working its way to his face.

“Hey, Five, how’s it going? What brings you to my humble dwelling?” Ben asks, dropping the notebook and shoving it under his bed.

“Nothing much. I was on my way downstairs when I heard shouting. At first, I thought someone was being murdered, but no, it’s just you and-”

Five gestures to Klaus, who has dropped his arms and is standing awkwardly to Ben’s side.

“-this person. Who is this person, Ben?”

Ben forces a laugh. “Who, this? This is Klaus. Um-”

“I’m his boyfriend,” Klaus cuts in. “Pleased to meet you, sir!”

Five nods. “Likewise.”

“So,” Ben says, “Is there anything you needed, Five?”

“Not necessarily. Well, Luther wants us downstairs in a few. Family meeting or something like that,” Five states, turning on his heel and making his way into the hallway. 

“It was nice meeting you, Klaus,” Five says, disappearing from sight.

“Well, he seems nice,” Klaus says. “Definitely not the rabid-ex-assassin you described him as!”

“Not yet, at least. It was a good move to call him ‘sir’ though. He likes it when people address him as if he looked his ‘proper’ age; old people and their respect-liking, am I right?” Ben tells Klaus.

A ‘sucking’ sound fills the room, and a bright blue flash sears into Ben’s eyes.  _ Five _ , Ben thinks.

“Oh, and Klaus? The notebook contains all of Ben’s dirty secrets; I must warn you, though, they’re not that interesting!” Five states. 

“You little-” Ben starts but is cut off by another bright blue flash. 

“He’s gone, isn’t he?” Ben grumbles to Klaus. Klaus responds with a ‘Yep!’ before diving onto the floor and grabbing the notebook Ben had kicked under before.

“Dirty secrets, eh? I wonder what we’ll find!” Klaus gasps in delight.

Ben sighs. He’s too tired to fight this battle.

* * *

Ten minutes later, Ben leads Klaus downstairs, and they meet the rest of the family in the living room. He notices Diego and Vanya have arrived and greets them both with a nod. Ben takes a seat on an ottoman and Klaus plops down right next to him with a  _ grunt _ . Out of the corner of his eye, Ben sees Diego double-take at Klaus’s presence, and Vanya raises her eyebrows.

“Well, now that we’re all here, I suppose we should start,” Luther declares. “Thank you all for being here; it sure is nice to have the opportunity to spend time with family over the holiday season. Now-”

Luther’s eyes glance at Klaus.

“-how about some introductions for those of us that are new?”

Klaus awkwardly stands up and waves a hand at them. 

“Hi, my name’s Klaus. I’m here with Ben. And yyyeepp. That’s basically it,” Klaus finishes, quiet and introverted all of a sudden. Thankfully, Diego steps forward and introduces himself. 

“Hi, Klaus, I’m Diego, Ben’s brother.” The awkwardness and tension in the room remind Ben of the mandatory ice-breakers he had to do when he joined his first book club. Forced smiles and basic, boring facts that no one really cared about.

Allison spoke up next. “You’ve already met me and Luther.”

Five stands up and blinks over to Klaus. He claps a hand on his shoulder and states, “I’m Five, just in case you forgot.” Five addresses the whole room next. “He has more respect for elders than all of you combined. You all should be ashamed,” Five states, blinking back to his original spot. Klaus cracks a smile at that and gives them all a thumbs up.

Unsurprisingly, Vanya introduces herself last. “I’m Vanya,” she says in a timid voice, fidgeting with the hem of her plaid shirt. “Hi, Vanya!” Klaus chirps back.

Luther clears his throat. “Well, now that we’re done with that, I guess you all can get settled in now.” Everyone gets up and starts shuffling back to their respective rooms when Luther adds, “Oh, and be ready for dinner at six.”

“Ben?” Allison asks. Ben turns around to face her and says, “Yeah?”

“Can I speak to you for a moment?” she queries. “Sure,” Ben responds. He addresses Klaus next. “Just go and explore for a bit, yeah, babe?” Klaus shrugs and places a kiss on his cheek before heading out of the room.

* * *

Allison guides Ben to a couch and sits both of them down.

“Now,” she prompts, “tell me about this guy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooh, I love me a good mother-hen Allison. 
> 
> Stay tuned for the next chapter! As always, feel free to comment with any questions or concerns!
> 
> P.S. I just binge-watched a bunch of Netflix Christmas movies, so the next chapters should be pretty *festive* (or cringy and cheesy, who knows).


	3. Exposing My Asshole Father: a family tradition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus and Vanya have a heart-to-heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y'ALL!!
> 
> In honor of showing our thanks and appreciation, I just want to thank all of my readers. I honestly couldn't do this without y'all; you guys are the real heroes of this site.
> 
> Enjoy!

**_“Thought I was done for, thought that love had died_ **

**_But you came along I swear you saved my life_ **

**_And I wanna thank you, baby_ **

**_You make it feel like Christmas”_ **

**_\-- “You Make It Feel Like Christmas” by Gwen Stefani, ft. Blake Shelton_ **

  
  
  
  


Left to his own devices, Klaus found himself wandering the vast and empty halls of the Hargreeves Mansion. A right here, a left there, Klaus didn’t really care where he went. A lot of the corridors were dimly lit, but instead of being dusty and cobwebbed like he expected, they were pristine and had waxy floors. 

“Does someone really clean this place from head to toe that frequently?” Klaus wondered out loud.

“Yeah. That’d be our mom,” a quiet voice says, causing Klaus to turn around. At first, Klaus doesn’t see anyone and chalks the comment up to the ghosts lacing the shadowy halls, but as his eyes adjust to the dim light, Klaus spies a woman in the hallway behind him. She’s wearing a flannel shirt that dwarfs her petite frame, and her chestnut hair is hanging limply by her shoulders.  _ Not a ghost _ , Klaus realizes; the pale blue glow that outlines ghosts isn’t surrounding her.

“Well hello,” Klaus greets. He recognizes her from the living room.  _ What’s her name? Something Russian. Natalia? Vicky? _ Klaus wonders. “Your mom, you say?”

“Yeah,” the woman replies. “I’m surprised you haven’t met her yet.”

“Soon enough,” Klaus promises. “Does your mother live here?”

“Ever since our dad created her,” she informs. Klaus blinks a few times, processing the new information. 

“Um- your dad created her?”

The mousy woman laughs; it’s a low, strained sound as if she’s trying not to disturb the shadows dancing in the corners. “It’s complicated. You see, our mom used to be our nanny before we started calling her ‘Mom.’ She’s a robot that Reginald created to look after, love, protect, and care for us. We just decided to call her ‘Mom’ because she was already doing the things a mother does.” Seeing Klaus’s bewildered look, she laughs again. “You’ll get used to being surprised by this family. There’s a lot of that, I’m sure.”

“I bet,” Klaus says. He holds his hand out. “I know we already met downstairs, but…” His hand remains outstretched for a few silent moments before the woman extends her hand and accepts his handshake. “And if I’m being honest, I’m not that great with names. If you could re-introduce yourself, that’d be greatly appreciated!”

He’s granted with another laugh. “Vanya,” the woman says.  _ Vanya! That’s what it was! Stupid, what the fuck was I thinking with Natalia? _ Klaus internally chastises himself. “It’s nice to meet you, Klaus.”

After they’ve made proper introductions, Vanya offers Klaus a tour of the mansion. “Why not?” Klaus says. 

* * *

They start with the bedrooms and eventually make their way down to the foyer and family room, where a lone, naked Christmas tree looms in the corner. Upon seeing it, Klaus remarks, “How very festive. This place takes up an entire block, yet there aren’t any ornaments or lights to decorate?”

“Actually, decorating the tree and house is an activity we do tomorrow,” Vanya informs him. “According to Luther, it’s to ‘boost family time and bonding.’”

“Hm. Good idea, yet according to Ben, it gets quite violent.”

“Quite,” Vanya agrees. “I’m sure he’s told you about the time four years ago when Luther accidentally punched him.”

“How did that even happen?” Klaus inquiries. “I haven’t been to many events where people use others as their living, breathing punching bags.” 

“It’s actually kind of a funny story. You see, Diego and Luther have a  _ very _ competitive relationship. Their rivalry goes back into the days before they started going on missions,” Vanya begins. “Dad named Luther ‘Number One’ and Diego ‘Number Two,’ so you can imagine the rift created between the two of them. Diego constantly wanted to be ‘Number One’ and the leader to prove himself, and Luther was having none of that. And having been raised in an environment where defense and offense are encouraged, I bet you can think of how violent some of their fights got.”

Klaus nods, encouraging her on. “As they grew older, the rivalry only grew more intense. Fortunately, when Five came back six or seven years ago, that sort of reunited us for a bit. They realized their rivalry was childish and immature, so they attempted to put all of their past issues behind. It helped a bit, but as you can imagine, you can’t just erase years and years of competition and hatred. Diego and Luther get along better now, but four years ago, they had another fight.”

“Oh? Pray tell,” Klaus says. 

“I think Diego insulted Allison and her divorce with her ex-husband now, and Luther got a bit-”

“Hold on. Are Luther and Allison-” Klaus makes a hook shape with his index finger on both hands and latches them together. Vanya shakes her head. 

“They’ve been, uh, ‘dancing’ around each other since we were young. He’s in love with her, but she kinda just admires him and his leadership. I think she used to fancy him, but Allison has moved on. I don’t think Luther has, though.”

“Um, isn’t that kind of incest?” Klaus asks.

“Well,  _ technically _ we aren’t blood-related; we were just raised as siblings. Personally, I was excluded from all of their bonding and stuff when I was younger, so most of them were strangers to me,” Vanya explains.

“With the exception of Ben and Five, though,” she adds. “They included me when they could. It’s better than nothing, I suppose.”

“Anyways, Diego insulted Allison or something and Luther got pissed. I think he took a swing at Diego, but he’s always been a bit on the slow side, so Diego ducked out of the way and Luther hit Ben instead. It’s a good thing Ben is such a chill person, too,” Vanya tells Klaus. “If he weren’t such a peacemaker, I’m almost positive he would’ve released the Horrors and we would’ve had a full-out blood bath. Though,” she pauses to include, “I’m told Ben has gotten much better at controlling the Horrors.”

“He has,” Klaus agrees. “Ben sic-ed ‘em at a guy a couple years back. Pretty impressive!”

Vanya nods. “Why’d he let Them loose in the first place? I remember from our childhood he always hated letting Them out for training or missions.” Klaus laughs. “It’s a funny story, really.” He goes on and tells Vanya the story of how he met Leonard and then Ben the day after. Vanya listens, invested in all the details. Klaus finishes the tale and Vanya lets out a satisfied sigh.

“I love it; it’s a classic ‘damsel-in-distress’ story!” she exclaims. Klaus grins in agreement. Deciding he and Vanya are well-enough acquainted to ask a personal question, Klaus asks, “And you? Do you have a special ‘damsel?’” He wiggles his eyebrows and Vanya chuckles and claps him on the shoulder.

“Klaus, I don’t have a damsel. I’m not- uh-”

“Gay?” Klaus finishes. “Are you sure?”

Vanya attempts to give him an offended look. “No, I’m not. You know, that’s kind of rude to assume about a person-”

“Alright, I see your point,” Klaus mutters. “Just so you know, my intuition is rarely wrong. And based on the way you’re trying to conceal your panic-”

He gestures to Vanya’s face, which is flushing. She presses her mouth into a thin line and her eyes grow slightly larger.

“-you’ve been considering it. So, I’m going to ask you again: any damsels?”

The woman’s face droops and she grabs his shoulder just a bit tighter. Vanya gently pulls Klaus closer and whispers, “OK, fine, you win. But you can’t tell anyone.”

Klaus holds back a smirk and asks, “Why ever not?”

“They don’t know. No one does. Except you.”   
  


“I’m honored! But why haven’t you told anyone?” Klaus questions.

“We don’t really talk about our relationships with each other. Or feelings. Or anything, really. I guess Luther and Allison always confided in each other when they were younger, but the only person I could’ve talked to about that would’ve been Five or Ben. But by the time I realized I liked girls, Five was gone and Ben was too busy with his books and special training.”

“You didn’t have special training?”   
  


“I don’t have powers, Klaus. I’m just an ordinary girl who can play the violin-”

“Vanya, I somehow doubt Reginald would adopt six superpowered children and get one ordinary one. He isn’t the type of person to waste money on a child who he can’t experiment on-”

“Reginald only adopted six children. Luther, Diego, Allison, Five, Ben, and me,” Vanya lists off. 

“Oh? Then why is ‘Number Four’ missing from the lineup?” Klaus asks her. “It seems awfully weird that he would just skip one number.”

Vanya considers his statement for a moment. 

“Number Four,” she states. “Why do I have a feeling like I knew him? He must’ve been there when we were growing up. For the life of me, I can’t fully remember him, though. I wonder what happened,” Vanya muses.

“Well, wonder no more, dear Vanya,” Klaus says, spreading his arms out in a ‘ta-da’ motion. Vanya’s eyes twitch around in their sockets as she racks her brain to remember. 

Her eyes clear and widen in recognition.

  
  


“Four?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little bit of Klaus/Vanya friendship because we stan.
> 
> Ooooh, the big reveal looms in our future! Also, stay tuned for Christmas tree decorating and more chaos.
> 
> Thanks for reading! <33


	4. And a partridge in a pear tree

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus has made it to dinner on his first day at the mansion; he's considering it a pretty big accomplishment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, and welcome back to another episode of "Keeping Up With the Hargreeves!" (or rather, "the author ignoring the mountains of homework that's been piling up since the beginning of the school year to write this because she wants to")
> 
> I honestly did not expect this story to receive this much clout. 
> 
> Thank you to all of you that are reading this! It means so much to me; writing fanfics are honestly the only thing getting me through school and this year. 
> 
> Side note: The beginning scene with Klaus and Vanya (parts of it) are a reference to Eyes: Green Or Gray so if you haven't read that, I recommend doing so. 
> 
> However, I know I’ve literally written nothing but Horrance (god bless this freakin’ amazin’ ship, I regret nothing) so if you DO want me to write something other than this ship (or just want to ask me general questions about honestly anything), you can message me on Tumblr (barrybclout) or Wattpad (springonions_withranch). Or don’t and watch me produce more of this stuff! <33 
> 
> enjoy!

  
  
  


_ Her eyes clear and widen in recognition. _

  
  


_ “Four?” _

* * *

“Alive and in the flesh!” Klaus declares.

Vanya gasps in a breath and stumbles on a nearby armchair, clutching her head.

“All this time? It's you?”

“Who else?” Klaus asks her. “Benny has good taste, doesn’t he?”

She doesn’t respond and stands up. “We have to tell the others, don’t we? I mean, it’s a pretty big deal to find your long-lost sibling whom none of us even remember!”

“About that,” Klaus says, “I’m pretty sure Reggie made Allison rumor all of you into forgetting me.”

Vanya looks scandalized. “How could she do such a thing? I couldn’t even imagine using my power (if I had one) against one of my siblings-”

“Vanny, she was manipulated by our father. He did that to all of us! I’m sure if you dig around long enough, you could unearth his dirty little secrets and experiments he performed on us.”

“Well, not the point, but I mean, I think they’ll be happy to be reunited with you, Klaus-”

“After that warm, cozy welcome I received earlier, how do you think they’ll react to this?”

“Fair point, however, if they find out later, even more the reason to not like or trust you. And my siblings are already so protective of Ben-”

“Why is that?” Klaus questions. “It’s not like he’s any less capable of any of the things you guys were taught growing up.”

Vanya sighs and rests her hand on Klaus’s arm. “Listen, none of us really have a significant other or a stable relationship. Allison is divorced, Luther is in love with Allison and has been isolated from society for all his life, Diego watched the love of his life die two years ago, Five has an unhealthy obsession with a mannequin-”

“What the fuck? A mannequin?”

“-it’s a long story having to do with the Apocalypse. Not really important. And five years ago I was in a toxic and abusive relationship with-” She pauses. “Nevermind.”

Klaus frowns and urges her to go on. “With who, Vanya?”

She shakes her head. “I’m sure you don’t want to hear about my sob story. You probably wouldn’t understand anyways-”

Klaus cuts her off. “I’m pretty sure I’m one of the only people who could understand. I was about to start dating this total psychopath before I realized how much of a creep he was. He actually attempted to, um- well, probably kill me, but Ben is actually the one who saved me from him. So trust me, I think I know a thing or two about unhealthy relationships, Vanya.”

“Also,” he adds, “I can speak from experience when I say that it’s easier to carry a burden when you can share the weight with someone else.”

A few moments pass before Vanya speaks again.

“His name was- his name was Leonard. Leonard Peabody,” Vanya tells him. Klaus feels his blood freeze in his veins. He pales and grabs her arms.

“Vanya, please tell me you’re not talking about a brown-haired psycho with a penchant for plaid shirts.”

Her eyes grow large and her hand flies to her mouth. When she speaks her voice comes out in a horrified whisper. 

“You dated Leonard?”

“ _ Almost _ . As I said, Ben kinda took care of him.”

“So he’s gone? Like, dead?” Vanya asks, looking hopeful.

“Not dead, but gone, unfortunately. I don’t think Ben wants to kill anyone ever again,” Klaus admits. The woman nods. “Anyways, back to Ben. Why are they so protective of him?” Klaus steers the conversation away from abusive ex’s. 

“Yeah, none of us are really good at relationships. Allison doesn’t want Ben to get burned and Diego is honestly just protective of everyone. Five is uh, murderous, to say the least, and if anyone does anything to inconvenience any of us in the slightest, he’d probably murder them.” 

Klaus winces. “Best not do that, then,” he remarks. She chuckles.

“Not to mention, I will  _ personally _ find you and slice your throat with my violin bow if you break his heart,” she threatens, suddenly glaring at Klaus. “And I never break my promises, Klaus. Just thought you should know that,” Vanya adds.

Klaus visibly gulps and nods. “No breaking hearts, ma’am, not here,” he promises. “Fortunately, you’d have to drag my cold, lifeless corpse away from Ben. So, there’s that!” Klaus chirps.

Vanya nods her head solemnly and shakes his hand. “Welcome to the family, Klaus.” She frowns. “Or, welcome back, I’m not sure which you prefer.”

“Thanks, Vanny,” Klaus replies. “Glad to be a part of it!”

* * *

The grandfather tolls throughout the house, marking the arrival of six o’clock. Ben still hasn’t found Klaus, so Klaus assumes he’s supposed to meet him at dinner. He follows Vanya to the dining room and stares at the colossal, mahogany table that’s fit to sit at  _ least _ twelve people. 

“So,” he whispers, bending down to reach her ear, “where do I sit?”

“I don’t know,” Vanya hisses back. “We always had assigned seating when we were younger, and even past Christmases we’ve had here we sit in the same seats!”

“Well, there’s room to add a chair, right? I mean, you could fit the entire House of Representatives at that table plus some; there’s definitely enough room for me, surely?” 

Vanya shrugs. “I guess?” She quietly and deliberately moves around the room, grabbing a chair from the corner and shoving it by another chair by the table. Vanya creeps back to Klaus and pats him on the back. “There you go?”

Klaus thanks her and looks around the room. He and Vanya are the first ones to arrive (so much for being punctual) and are standing awkwardly at the edges of the room. He silently admires the table decor; the mini, fake Christmas tree in the center is a nice statement piece, especially with the stuffed partridge doll on top. Cornucopias and a table runner adorn the middle of the table and several candle holders with off-white wax candles set in them are placed on the table at even intervals.  _ Damn, _ Klaus thinks,  _ this place could be the cover of a Winter homemaker's magazine edition; Martha Stewart would be proud. _

His thoughts are interrupted by a bright blue flash and Five appears. He straightens his tie and jacket before nodding at Vanya and Klaus in greeting. They all turn toward the doors as heavy, thumping footsteps making their way down the stairs. Luther lumbers into the room and frowns at the current attendance. 

“Where is everybody?” he asks, scratching his head with a gloved finger. The sharp clicking of heels punctures through the foyer and quiet, solid footsteps follow. Allison struts into the dining room and looks directly into Klaus’s eyes, giving him a smile that’s more teeth than lip. Ben ducks in after her and gives Klaus an apologetic look. Klaus quirks his brow at him but Ben just shakes his head, mouthing  _ “Later.” _ Klaus frowns; this probably means whatever Ben and Allison chatted about was bad.  _ Probably me, _ Klaus ponders.

“Sorry we’re late,” Allison announces. “Ben and I were just, uh, catching up and lost track of time.” Luther shakes his head and says, “Oh no, no worries, Allison! We’re just waiting for Diego now anyways.” Beside Klaus, Vanya stifles a giggle at Luther’s quick amending; if that were any other sibling, he would be berating them about punctuality and the importance of being on time.

“Speaking of Diego, where is he?” Vanya asks. “He’s usually not one to be late to any meals, especially if it’s Mom’s cooking-”

A loud crash overpowers Vanya’s mousy voice. A second later, Diego jogs into the room.

“What did I miss?” he inquires, sliding next to his assigned seat at the table. “Nothing important, I hope,” he whispers to Five, who has teleported to the seat next to him. 

“You would know if you got here on time,” Luther says, crossing his bulky arms. Diego bares his teeth at Luther and Ben quickly steps in. 

“No, Diego, you didn’t miss anything.” Luther gives Ben a betrayed look and Ben adds, “ _ However _ , do try to be on time next time.” 

Diego drops his snarl into a chastised frown. Klaus can tell he doesn’t like disagreeing with Ben (probably because Ben is usually right; his moral compass is always rightfully aligned). “OK,” Diego mumbles. Allison clears her throat.

“Now that we’re all here, why don’t we take our seats?” she suggests. They all comply, Diego reluctantly taking a seat next to Luther, who sits to the left of the head seat of the table, Five sitting next to Diego, and Vanya at the opposite chair of the head seat. Ben sits to Vanya’s right and Allison sits to the right of the head chair, across from Luther. Klaus awkwardly stands still before Ben beckons him to the chair next to him. He reassuringly squeezes Klaus’s hand as if he’s telling him, “I’m so fucking sorry my family is a bit anal.”

The double doors that separate the dining room from the foyer open with a  _ creak _ and a middle-aged woman walks in. She’s dressed like a 50’s housewife with a collared, white button-down shirt and a big, poofy, pale pink skirt. Kitten heels cover her feet and a string of pearls adorn her neck. Golden curls rest atop her head, and  _ damn _ , Klaus thinks she’s one of the most stylish people he’s ever seen. The woman pushes a metal serving cart and once next to the table, she takes platters of food off of it and places them in the middle of the table. A perfectly polished and manicured hand lifts the tops of the platters off to reveal a Christmas feast, complete with candied yams, slow-cooked ribs, baked potatoes, green bean casserole, stuffing, and a cream-of-the-corn dish. 

“Dinner is served!” she announces in a cheery voice. The woman pats Diego’s shoulder, whom she happens to be standing by, and Diego says, “Thanks, Mom. It looks great!” The other siblings voice their appreciation with ‘thank you’ and other words of praise.

_ Mom? _ Klaus mouths to Ben, confused. There’s no way she’s their mother; the woman is thirty-five  _ at most _ and there’s no biological way she’s related to some of them. Ben nods, mouthing back, “ _ I’ll explain later. _ ” 

The woman looks at Klaus next and greets him. “Well hello, there. What’s your name, young man?”

If she’s their mom, Klaus decides to pull the ‘respectful boyfriend’ card (it worked on Five, after all). “I’m Klaus, ma’am. It’s nice to meet you!”

She smiles and nods, as if pleased by his response. “It’s wonderful to meet you, Klaus. Oh, and please, call me Grace; there’s no need for such formality!” Grace says. Klaus gives her a thumbs up and smile;  _ It worked, _ he thinks. Klaus thinks he can feel Ben sighing in relief to his left; at least his mom likes him, right?

“I see you’re here with Ben, am I correct?” Grace asks. Klaus is surprised for a moment; how did she know that?

“Yup!” he tells her. 

“Well, I’m glad Ben has finally found a special someone. You don’t have any food allergies, do you, dear?”

Klaus shakes his head. “All of this food looks delicious, Ms. Grace. I can’t wait to try it all!”

“Oh, well, don’t let me keep you!” Grace exclaims before making her way out of the room. “Enjoy, everyone!”

* * *

Luther initially begins the feast, grabbing a few ribs before passing it to Diego. The dining commences shortly thereafter, people grabbing different dishes and passing it to each other. It’s a lovely display of family, Klaus thinks. He’s never really been at a big family dinner (seeing as he can’t remember any of them before age seven) and he’s been alone since then. Sure, holiday meals with Ben were the best, but Klaus had never really experienced the warmth and energy of a huge family feast. He’s perplexed by the civility of it all. Luther and Diego were at each other’s throats a few minutes before, but now they’re carving the turkey together! 

Klaus can feel Ben reading his face, and Ben leans over and whispers in his ear, “Just wait. It’ll happen eventually.”

As if on cue, Allison clears her throat and says, “So, Diego, I heard you’re seeing someone new.”

Diego chokes on his food and turns his head to glare at her. “Who told you that?” he demands after swallowing his mouthful of food.

Allison shrugs. “I have a certain talent for learning these things. I  _ am _ the rumor girl, after all.”

“Well, you and your rumors can go fuck themselves! My love life is none of your business!” Diego snarls.

“Hey!” Luther exclaims. “Don’t say that!”

Diego rolls his eyes at him. “Always so quick to defend Allison, aren’t you, Luther? Remember, we aren’t twelve anymore; she’s probably not even interested in you anymore!” Luther glares at him. 

“At least I have feelings, Mr. I’m-a-lone-wolf-who-doesn’t-need-anyone! I’m surprised anyone would date you, with your horrible temper and aggressive personality!” 

Diego growls, grabs a rib bone off his plate, and chucks it at Luther’s head, hitting him square on the forehead. 

Luther gasps and clutches his forehead, offended. Allison rolls her eyes and sighs as if used to their dramatics. Klaus sees a bored-looking Five take a sip of his coffee (where’d he get that from?) and a tired-looking Vanya not even look up and continue eating her baked potato. Ben winks at Klaus, whispering, “ _ I told you so. _ ”

Klaus can just watch, entertained, as Luther picks up a lump of stuffing and launches it at Diego. It hits him on the shoulder and a full-blown food fight starts between the two siblings. At one point, a glob of cream-of-the-corn nails Klaus on the cheek and he joins the fun, smearing cranberry sauce on Ben’s cheekbone.

“Oh, it is so  _ on _ !” Ben shouts. He dips his finger in gravy and pokes Klaus’s nose with it; in turn, Klaus giggles, gets some gravy and flicks it into Ben’s hair. 

“ _ Klaus _ !” Ben shrieks. “The hair is off limits!” Klaus just laughs and mockingly pats his head as a lump of green bean casserole sails over his head. “Sorry, Benny!” he says. 

* * *

Meanwhile, on the far side of the table, Vanya and Five are having an engaging conversation about the idiocy of their family. 

Across from Klaus, Diego and Luther are wrestling with each other over a large rib bone, both of them covered in bits of food. 

Next to Klaus, Allison is smirking at the scene, seemingly proud of the discord she’s created. 

* * *

A loud  _ crack _ slices through the din and everyone stops. Klaus looks at Diego, who has slammed a steak knife down into the table near Luther’s pinky finger. Luther’s face is pale and shocked before he bellows, “That is mahogany!”

“Do you know how much mahogany costs?” Luther shrieks. “It’s one of the most expensive furniture materials! Have you no respect for Dad’s st-”

He stops, a sour look making its way on his face. Clearly, dear old Reginald’s name is taboo for him. Luther turns to Diego again, a bright look on his face. 

“You know what? Diego, stab the table as much as you like. Let’s stick it to him, yeah?”

Diego watches perplexed as Luther stands and picks up a stray chair in the corner of the room. He promptly smashes it on the ground. 

“Fuck him and his money, right?” Luther declares and stomps on the broken chair bits.

* * *

The double doors burst open as Graces walks in and takes in the sight before her. All of her children covered in food, a knife sticking out of the table, and a broken chair. Unfinished plates of food, and in the middle of it all, an untouched, smiling fake partridge.

“Oh dear,” she muses. “What happened here?”

Diego looks down, embarrassed.

“Luther started it!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Diego: *stabs the table*  
> Luther: That is mahogany!
> 
> Yes, yes I did reference the Hunger Games. (Sorry not sorry)
> 
> We do love some quality family time. (however aggressive it is)
> 
> Thank you for reading! So sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes!
> 
> Tumblr: barrybclout  
> Wattpad: springonions_withranch
> 
> P.S. pardon my language, but FUCK LEONARD, am I right?
> 
> P.P.S. If it's unclear, Leonard dated Vanya before deciding she wasn't going to sprout her powers any time soon and dumped her. he then proceeded to attempt to date Klaus (as seen in Eyes: Green Or Gray)


	5. The East Wind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It all comes out. Sort of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry :)

  
  
  


They don’t talk about Ben’s conversation with Allison after dinner. Ben and Klaus make their way to Ben’s bedroom after the whole dinner ordeal and Klaus promptly falls onto the bed, covering his eyes with a tattooed hand. 

“Klaus move ov-”

It’s no use. He’s already snoring. Either that, or he’s gotten extremely good at faking sleeping. Whatever the case, Ben sighs and sits on the bed next to him. 

“I guess our conversation will just have to wait for tomorrow, won’t it, Klausy?” Ben voiced to no one in particular. After receiving no response, Ben stands and retrieves an inflatable mattress from a storage closet. He spreads it out and attaches a bike pump he found in Five’s room (why the fuck did Five have a bike pump?) to the opening in the mattress. Ben grabs the handles of the bike pump and cranks his arms up and down, blowing air into the flattened bed. 

_ Fssh-swhhh. Fwssh-swshhh. Fwssh-swshhh. Fssh-swhhh. _

The mattress slowly fills with air and regains a rectangular shape. Once it’s firm to the touch, Ben disconnects the bike pump from the bed and tosses it haphazardly into the corner of his room. He heaves the bed over next to Klaus’s (his) bed and flops on top of it, blowing wayward coal locks of hair off his forehead. 

“Thanks for the workout,” he murmurs to the lamp on his nightstand. Too tired to stand back up, Ben lifts his shirt and releases a single tentacle from his stomach. He directs it to the chain dangling from the lamp and uses the tentacle to gently tug on it, snuffing out the light. Ben uses his sweatshirt as a pillow and closes his eyes, letting sleep claim him. 

  
  
  


Ben isn’t awake early enough to warn Klaus about his current sleeping situation. He subconsciously hears Klaus stir in his bed:

A bony foot reaches down from the bed and plants itself on Ben’s right pec.

“OH SHIT!” Klaus cries out, quickly retracting his foot. “What the fuck was that-”

A head clad in brown curls pops over the edge of the bed and a pair of green eyes find Ben’s. Ben blinks the sleep out of his eyes and sits up. 

“Ben? What’re you doing down there?” Klaus queries. Ben groans and gets to his feet, bones creaking loudly.

“Well you know, just chilling,” Ben snorts. “Wanted to get the bottom bunk of the bunk bed experience. Turns out it’s not as fun as I imagined!”

Klaus snickers. “Ben, if you want to be a bottom, you just have to ask!” 

Ben’s eyes roll in their sockets and he throws a bundle of clothing at Klaus from his open suitcase on the floor. 

“You might want to change before we go downstairs, cuz, ya know…”

“What do I know?” Klaus questions, batting his eyelashes at Ben. 

“You might not want to bless my sibling’s eyes with the sight of your nipples this early in the week,” Ben says. 

“At least you know they’re a blessing!”

“Just put on the damn clothes, dumbass.”

* * *

Diego sullenly glares at the wooden table in front of him. If you asked him about the cause of his sour mood, he’d gladly tell you it was due to the fact that he was  _ really fucking hungry _ and that none of his sibling seemed to be on time  _ at the same time _ . Now  _ that _ would be a Christmas miracle. Granted, it was the 24th of December, so one might not have to wait that long for that to happen.

Absentmindedly picking at the loose threads on his weathered black jumper, Diego mulls over the events of the past couple of days. 

The guy Ben brought back was certainly a change. Diego still isn’t sure if it’s a welcome or unwelcome change, but it’s a change nonetheless. The dude seems nice, funny, and chill, however a bit...disconnected. From his police academy training, Diego has picked up a few tricks in noticing body language. This guy, Klaus, seems to always be looking at things that aren’t there or silently communicating with people who aren’t visible. In Diego’s opinion, Klaus was either a little bit crazy or high on drugs. Diego wasn’t so sure about his drug theory: Klaus exhibited no redness around his eyes or dilated pupils that suggested drug use. He walked with a graceful coordination and stepped as if he was walking on glass. 

  
  


With the drugs theory ruled out, Diego could only assume Klaus was just  _ a bit not stable _ . Leave it to harmless, innocent, kind, naive Ben to pick out a guy who’s lost some of his marbles. Diego couldn’t necessarily judge though, seeing as that he was raised by a machine, ape, and a motherly android (the machine being a man who didn’t even try to be a parental figure in their lives) and has five super-powered siblings who aren’t even stable themselves. 

  
  


Something about Klaus wasn’t adding up to Diego. A sort of gut feeling told Diego that Klaus was hiding something, something big. Perhaps he was a homicidal serial killer or was having an affair with another person? 

Just the thought of someone cheating or manipulating someone as harmless as Ben made Diego’s blood boil. Diego made up his mind right there and then:

he didn’t know much about Klaus, but by the end of the week, Klaus would definitely know Diego. 

* * *

Twenty minutes later, all of the Hargreeves (plus one) were once again seated at the mahogany table. Their mom served a breakfast spread of pancakes, fruit, bacon, sausage, and eggs and they all dug in. 

Diego studied Klaus throughout most of the meal, making note of his habit of staring at something invisible and the way Ben had to bring him back to reality occasionally. To one, the scene might have been cute and endearing, but to Diego, it just made him more suspicious of the curly haired man. 

* * *

Unable to contain his curiosity any longer, Diego clears his throat. The gruff sound cuts through the aimless small talk and soft clinking of utensils and the whole table turns to Diego. 

“So,” he starts, “Klaus...how did you meet Ben? I’m sure Ben didn’t just pick you up off the street one day.”

Klaus blinks owlishly before his features stretch into a grin. 

“Actually, that’s not too far off!” he informs Diego. 

“ _ What _ -”

“However, it was much more  _ romantic _ than you’re probably thinking. You see, I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life and start dating a serial killer-”

_ So I was right about something, _ Diego thinks.  _ There is a serial killer involved. _

“-and Benny made me realize what a horrible decision that would be! He even went as far as giving him a death threat when the guy was trying to get off with me; it was  _ very _ romantic. His shirt was off and the tentacles were out and that just  _ did _ something to me-”

“I”m gonna stop you right there,” Diego cuts in. “As interesting as this story is, I don’t need to hear about my brother’s...shirtless-ness. What I do want to hear about is the guy you were about to go out with. The serial killer. How did you two meet?”

Klaus’s smile twists into a grimace. It’s clear to Diego that this is a sore subject.

“Klaus, if you don’t feel comfortable with telling us, you don’t have to,” someone speaks up. Diego turns to the source.  _ Vanya? _

“No, I think he should tell us. I want to know about this guy,” Allison speaks up. “How do we know he’s not going to come back and go after Ben? We  _ don’t _ .”

Ben opens his mouth to respond when Vanya speaks up again.

“Why can’t you guys just leave it alone?”

“Why are you so against knowing about the serial killer, Vanya?” Diego snaps. “Do you know something we don’t?”

A slight breeze gusts through the room and ruffles Vanya’s hair. A faint white glow seems to emit from her irises and she gets out of her chair. A glare is evident on her face.

“I  _ do, _ in fact! I know the very serial killer you all are wondering about! Do you know  _ why? _ Well, I’ll tell you. His name is Leonard Peabody, or formerly, Harold Jenkins. He is associated with twelve murders, people ranging from the age of fourteen to forty-five. He lures you in with a charming smile and ‘understanding’ charade and just when you think you’re not alone anymore he snaps his jaw shut and someone dies!”

“Vanya-” A burst of wind almost knocks Diego off his chair and Vanya’s eyes glow brighter. 

“NO! I’m talking, Diego! Speaking as a victim of his techniques, I can assure you, this is something  _ no one _ would want to talk about. At least not to a house full of strangers who doubt your every move and decision!” Vanya exclaims. “So when I tell you to lay off Klaus, I mean it!”

Rant over and done with, Vanya lowers herself into her seat and the wind vanishes as abruptly as it began. Her eyes are restored to their brown hue and Vanya takes a deep breath.

No one speaks for a few moments before Klaus breaks the silence with a nervous laugh. 

“Well...thank you, Vanya. It’s nice to know someone is in my corner,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. 

_ So if you’re not a serial killer, what are you? Crazy? Insane?  _ Diego wonders.

Seven pairs of eyes turn to him at once. 

“Shit, did I say that out loud?” Diego asks. He sees Allison face-palm out of the corner of his eye.

  
  
  


“No, Diego, I’m not insane,” Klaus declares.

  
  
  
  


“I’m one of you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> problem: We’re sharing a room but there’s only one bed  
> Ben’s solution: find an air mattress, dumbass
> 
> sorry if there were any grammatical/spelling errors...this chapter is unbeta-ed and my grammarly isn't working
> 
> *moriarty voice* did ya miss me?   
> Cuz i sure missed y’all. I’m really sorry for the month(prob more) pause; winter break hit and then I didn't have any motivation to write because I was being really f-ing lazy. One thing led to another and suddenly I was getting caught up in Sherlock(BBC) and joined yet another fandom...you guys should probably anticipate some Johnlock fics soon because I’m literal trash and can’t seem to finish anything before starting another. 
> 
> Feel free to express your feelings to me on Tumblr at barrybclout!!


	6. YEET

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The debut of the Briefcase Academy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back with only a *slightly* late update. 
> 
> thank you to Anna_Dromeda for pushing me to get this chapter done <33 thanks dude
> 
> also to S, who has been patiently waiting for regular-ish updates since the beginning. you all have the patience of saints.
> 
> enjoy!

_ “No, Diego, I’m not insane.” _

  
  


_ “I’m one of you.” _

* * *

  
  


“One of us?” Diego echoes. “Meaning what?”

“You’re...an emotionally stunted man-child?” Luther asks indecisively. Out of the corner of his eye, Diego sees Five aggressively face-palm and shakes his head at Luther.

“No, dumbass,” Five retorts, fixing an observant, sharp gaze on Klaus. “He means he’s got superpowers like we do. Isn’t that right, Klaus?”

Klaus claps his tattooed hands together in praise. “That’s absolutely right, Five! Great job.”

Five shoots Klaus a warning glance. “It didn’t take a genius to figure out. Yes, you exhibit the behavior of someone who’s under the influence of drugs, but the most obvious telltale signs of drug use aren’t present in your case. No red-rimmed eyes, pupils seem normal, and I’m pretty sure Ben wouldn’t tolerate the use of any substance in your relationship. Sound about right?”

Klaus nods. “Yep,” he says, popping the ‘p’ in the word. He gives an enthusiastic nod and stabs a remaining bit of pineapple on his plate with a fork, bringing it to his mouth and ingesting it.

Allison clears her throat and folds her hands on the table.

“Since we’ve established you have powers, would you care to share what they are? Or are we just supposed to guess and play a game of Hot-or-Cold?” she queries.

“As entertaining as that would be, we don’t have all day for that,” Ben cuts in. “Just tell them, Klaus,” he adds, noticing the look of disappointment on Klaus’s face.

“Just trying to have some fun, Benny!” Klaus insists. 

“Anyways, I guess I’ll shed some light on my--” Klaus exaggerates a display of spirit fingers. “--powers.”

“I can see and interact with the dead; I can also control them somewhat. Ben and I are still exploring any secondary powers I might have, but we’re pretty sure I also have telekinesis. Cool, no?” Klaus explains.

“The dead?” Allison asks. “So you’re a...ghost whisperer?”

“Yes and no. The term ‘whisperer’ implies that I have control and complete mastery over them. Which I do not. It’s easy to hear and see them, but ghosts are finicky things. They don’t like to listen and I’ve only controlled them on two-- okay, maybe three occasions. That requires too much concentration and energy for a prolonged amount of time, so I try to not do it.”

“What situations arose to make you control them?” Five asks, a look of wary interest on his features.

Klaus laughs. “Nothing too serious. Tell them, Ben,” he prompts.

Ben rolls his eyes. “The first time was completely accidental. Klaus was in our apartment by himself doing God-knows-what--”

“--painting my nails--” Klaus interjects.

“Yeah, and apparently, he was so caught up in it he didn’t hear me arrive. I stood in the room for a minute or so before he noticed me.” Ben chuckles, recounting the events. “He shrieked so fucking loud. The nail polish bottle came hurdling at my head and I felt a couple of hands pin my arms by my side.” 

“And thank god,” Ben adds, “that Klaus’s aim is absolutely  _ horrible _ and he missed my face by a couple inches. I looked at the hands pinning me and they were, well,  _ dead-looking _ , so we concluded that Klaus had the power to not only make the ghosts corporeal but to control them against whatever was ‘threatening’ him.”

“Coincidentally, that was the same incident that informed us of my telekinesis,” Klaus informs. “Haven’t done it many times after that. It usually kicks in when I get startled and things explode or get thrown around. Nothing too bad.”

“The nail polish stain on the wall begs to differ,” Ben mutters sarcastically. 

“Better on the wall than your pretty face!” Klaus cheekily supplies. 

“And the other two times you summoned the ghosts?” Allison interrupts, steering the conversation back to the topic at hand, sipping at her now-lukewarm coffee.

“Once to get a roll of toilet paper off the top shelf in our closet and the third time to scare the wits out of a flirty receptionist named Janine,” Ben answered. “It was  _ quite _ hilarious; I bet she was trying to clean the coffee off of her skirt for  _ weeks _ \--”

“--Not the point, though,” Klaus chimes in.

“Klaus, can you see the ghosts now?” Five asks. 

Klaus takes a look around the room, his eyes darting around the space surrounding each sibling. After a few still moments, Klaus speaks again.

“Vanya, surprisingly, has several ghosties trailing around her, though I’m sure that’s not a surprise, given your guy’s violent upbringing. Five, I’m sure you’re aware of the crowd around you; there’s gotta be at least a hundred of ‘em.”

Klaus stares at Five in wonder. “How’d you get such a high body count--actually, I probably don’t want to know. Anyways--”

He looks at Allison. “Sixty corpses or so, varying in the cause of death.”

Diego is next. “Seventy-five? Ish? The majority from stab wounds.”

Luther is last. “I’d say fifty. Most from blunt trauma to the head or severely broken bones.”

Klaus, finished with his observations, asks, “Does that sound about right? I’m sure Reggie had you guys honing your skills from a young age, so the high body counts isn’t that surprising.”

Five peers at him. “Is one of the ghosts a middle-aged Asian female with a dragon tattoo on her left shoulder?”

Klaus inspects the crowd before confirming it. “Holy shit,” Five breathes. “So haunting your killer  _ is _ a thing.”

“Well,” Klaus tells him, “la mort n'est pas la fin.”

Allison gives him a mildly impressed look. “French?” she asks. “Where’d you pick that up?”

“I was actually a member of the Umbrella Academy for the earlier years of my life,” Klaus informs her. “We all began learning foreign languages when we were young, did we not? Also, one of my foster parents  _ insisted _ on continuing my study of French because apparently it ‘makes you sound educated.’ I also know how to speak Russian, German, Spanish, and am familiar with Latin.”

“Oh, is that all?” Vanya pipes in. Klaus gives a merry chuckle. 

“I assure you, dear Vanya, I’m barely sufficient in those now. I’ve got nothing else to hide.  _ Well, _ maybe I won’t share my insane baking skills with you all yet. Not for now.”

“Anyways, enough me-talk, let's talk about the waffle leftovers Luther keeps on stealing from the fridge.”

“I did not!” Luther protests weakly. “I didn’t even know they were yours!”

“AHA!” Klaus exclaims. “So you  _ do _ admit you ate them!” he accuses.

Luther flushes, mouth bobbing up and down like a goldfish. “Like I said, I didn’t know they were yours, Klaus! I’m sorry!” Luther squeaks. “I’m sorry!”

“Wow, nice going, Luther,” Five snips. “If that were any of us who made those waffles you wouldn’t have apologized,” he sullenly says. “You still haven’t apologized for drinking the last bit of coffee from yesterday morning! The coffee was in  _ my _ coffee pot! I claim ownership to the pot, and therefore the contents inside!”

“Now now, Five,” Allison soothes, ever the ‘Mom’ sibling. “Just because you own the pot doesn’t mean the coffee inside is yours by default. Technically, Luther owns the house because he was the only one who signed the lease, so he can  _ technically _ kick you out. And I don’t think you want to stay in the nursing home with all of the other old people,” Allison reminds Five. Five grumbles in response, waving a hand at her half-heartedly as if to ward Allison away. He teleports out of the room with a flash of blue light, and the dining table was once again quiet. 

Quiet of course, except for the occasional shuffle from Luther.

Eventually, Allison stands up. “Well, we’re going to decorate the tree this afternoon. Be there,” she says, leaving no room for argument.

Luther gets up after her and nods to each of the siblings. “Um...I gotta go...to the bathroom. Yup. See you guys later.”

Diego abruptly rises and struts out of the room, presumably to beat Luther out. 

“That could’ve gone worse,” Ben remarks, standing and offering his hand to Klaus. “I suppose I could give you a tour of the place?”

“I already did,” Vanya pipes up. “While Allison kidnapped you.”

Ben sends her a grateful look. “Thanks, Van. I guess we’ll go to the library?”

Klaus laughs. “Only you would want to go to a library right now. Sorry, love, but I promised Vanya I’d help her unlock her powers.”

“You did?” Vanya asks, surprised. She didn’t remember that conversation. Upon seeing Klaus’s vigorous nods, she exclaims, “Oh yes, you  _ did _ !  _ Right _ . I guess I’ll meet you in the courtyard then.” She strides out of the room and leaves Ben and Klaus alone.

“Powers, eh?” Ben asks Klaus. “Vanya doesn’t have powers, Klaus.”

“Right, and I once shaved my eyebrows so I could be like Miley Cyrus,” Klaus deadpans.

“But you almost  _ did _ do that!”

“If you hadn’t stopped me!”

“Well,  _ one _ of us has to be the rational one in this relationship.”

“Thank you for your sacrifice, Benny,” Klaus sasses. “I guess you got the brains and I got the looks. Necessary sacrifices, necessary sacrifices, love.”

“You got the looks?” Ben asks, flabbergasted. “You’re hot, but you’re not  _ that _ \--”

An _are-you-sure-about-that_ look is cast towards Ben. Ben relents.

“Okay, yeah, you’re hot. I admit it! You win. Go train with Vanya.”

Klaus gives him a curious look. “You’re not coming to watch?”

Ben beams at him. “Wouldn’t miss it.”

“Also,” Ben adds, “I need to make sure you aren’t going to throw anything at Vanya. Allison would have your head.”

“As long as I look good!” Klaus responds. Hand-in-hand, they march to the courtyard.

* * *

  
  


“Welcome to the first annual session of the...uh...Briefcase Academy!”

_ ‘Briefcase Academy?’ _ Ben mouths to Klaus from the side of the courtyard. Klaus, who is standing on top of a bench in front of a seated Vanya, mouths back, ‘ _ Just go with it.’ _ Ben shrugs.

Vanya snickers under her breath.

“Right, um, to our first lesson.” Klaus addresses Vanya. “We don’t know what triggers or what your powers are, so we’re kinda winging it for now.” Klaus nods at Ben, who takes the reins.

“We  _ do _ know that your powers are triggered by emotion. We saw that at breakfast today. What we  _ don’t _ know is which emotions. Personally, I don’t think anger should control you or your powers. I bet Klaus and you agree.”

An aggressive nod from Klaus, who has hopped down from the bench. A solemn nod from Vanya, who is sitting cris-cross on the ground.

“So, I think we should be focusing on feeling for your powers first. Take deep breaths and try to center yourself, Vanya. Close your eyes and breathe.”

Vanya complies and takes deep, controlled breaths. 

Five minutes of ‘meditation’ pass by before Vanya’s eyes snap open.

“It’s no use,” Vanya groans. “I honestly don't think I have powers, guys, cuz if I did, I’m sure they would’ve made an appearance by now.”

“Now, now, none of that negativity!” Klaus criticizes. “We tried Ben’s way, now let’s try mine!” Klaus reaches behind his back and brings out a glass jar.

“Klaus,” Ben warily asks, “where did you get that?”

“No matter,” Klaus chirps. He spins on his heel and winds his arm back.

“THINK FAST!” With a cry, Klaus flings the jar at Vanya’s sitting form.

As if happening in slow motion, Ben watches, horrified, as the jar flies closer to Vanya’s face. 

At the last second, as if by some miracle, the jar is blown backward and shatters on the wall opposite Vanya. Ben looks at her and notices the white glow of her eyes and skin, as well as her body, which was now floating a few yards off the ground.

Klaus screeches, “DID YOU SEE THAT? YOU DID IT, VANYA!”

Vanya startles and her eyes return to normal. She ungracefully drops back on the ground.

“Do what?” Vanya asks.

“That!” Ben squawks, pointing at the broken shards of the jar. She follows his point and stares at the bits.

“I did that?” Vanya asks, astounded.

“Yep!” Klaus exclaims. “It turns out surprise and shock is a kickstarter for you powers too!”

“You’re crazy,” Ben mutters to Klaus, who smiles back.

“Crazy brilliant, maybe!”

“You can’t just chuck things at people’s heads, Klaus,” Ben chastizes.

“Well actually,” Vanya declares, “I’m slightly OK with it. It’s the only thing that has worked.”

“So far,” she adds, seeing the mock-betrayed look on Ben’s face.

“In that case,” Klaus says, “I’ll go get some more jars!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who knows when chapter 7 will be done, definitely not me! (sorry)
> 
> thank you for reading!


End file.
